How not to get to the HMAS Parramatta

As you may know I like to go exploring bunkers and stuff around Sydney. Mainly because we are a young country and the Aboriginals weren’t too big on building things so I am limited in what I can see. But its fun and interesting and it gets me out of the house.

A few people have asked to come along to one of these so I organised an expedition to a place I had not been to before. The wreck of the HMAS Parramatta.

The wreck is interesting because it was the first ever battleship that Australia bought. Plus it’s a ship wreck and could, possibly have, maybe if I wish real hard TREASURE. But enough of that. Because this is a tale of fail.

My first mistake of this doomed expedition that I did not pay enough attention to the tides, The second was that I am shit house at getting people in the one place at the one time. Turns out this is vitally important when trying to get to a beached shipwreck by boat.


Here I am. Not a care in the world. We had hired a boat to take us up river. Some fool allowed me to captain the boat. It was followed shortly by mutiny.


We headed up river to find the wreck. While on the slow journey we where harassed by some locals in their “speed boat”. You have to watch out for people like this. They will only leave once you feed them, but then they will then imprint upon you and become dependant. So it’s just easier to ram their boat and sink them. This is where the mutiny occurred as it turned out this was Dumhed and I was too drunk on power to know. (Secretly I knew, but I didn’t care. I am the king of the river you see.)




Eventually we spotted the wreck. It sits on a corner of the Hawkesbury River in mangroves. Under a cliff and right next to a waterfall (which was dry on our visit).


Can you see it? ENHANCE!!




This is actually the last and best shot I got. Because this is where it all went to hell.


Because of my bad planning, we were greeted by a big mud flat. No problem said I. I’ve done this before. So I leapt into the water and start to swim. A few others joined me while some COWARDS, who shall remain nameless; stayed on the boat.

Oh they maybe cowards. But they are the smart people.


I grabbed a floatie and bagged up my camera in two plastic bags and tried to swim to shore. Unfortunately it turns out the water was about 2 foot deep and the mud underneath was nothing but silt and it would instantly suck you into your waist. But by golly, we tried. I even went full retard.

pirate-swim (1)

We even attempted to build a raft to get us to solid ground.


But it was also a fail as my friend Todd fell asleep on it and was last seen drifting toward the sea.


Goodbye Todd.

Dumhed turned up again with his speed boat and took myself and super friend Niiiiffff closer to the shore.

Now you are probably wondering why we couldn’t get the boats closer. This was mainly due to the shore being rocky enough to destroy boats. The areas that were sandy as you can kind-of see below, were all blocked by oyster leases.


Again I hit the water with my camera in hand and this is were I killed it. I had accidentally ripped a hole in the bag and my camera met the river. Gosh & Bother.

These photos were taken by my fellow adventures That_Bloke and Dogwomble.


Goodbye Nikon P7100.


At this point we gave up. I was standing in this shot and my friend Niiiifffffffff was rapidly becoming stuck so we tried to turn around.


Unfortunately Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiffffffffffffffff was too slow and had to be left behind. No shit, we did leave her behind.


Goodbye Niiiiifffff.

It turns out that Dogwomble and That_Bloke being smart people stayed on the boat and didn’t destroy their cameras. So enjoy these shots they took.


So the expedition was a failure. But poop happens and expeditions fail. That’s why we get up and try again. You may criticize the losses we took. But all great expeditions demand sacrifice and I was also able to fix my camera and recover the photos so it’s all good! And seriously, it was a beautiful day on a beautiful river. There are worse ways to hang out with your friends. Like in front of a firing squad for example, or in line at a VD clinic.

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